When Words Dont Work

Dear Aunty La
I have to write you this letter because I know it will be too hard to have the conversation with you, without getting upset.

We love you so much, and are going to miss you when you are gone. You are the coolest Aunty by far, and I will make sure that Angus and Lochie know all about you.

I would like to tell the boys that when you have gone, you are a star. Watching down on us, and we will say goodnight to you. You can be the first star that comes out at twilight, then we will always see you and say goodnight. I hope that is okay with you.

We love you


Aunty La doesnt believe in Heaven so I have had to change my way of thinking. I need to visualise her somewhere. I have been telling Angus about life and death, and that Aunty La will be a star. Maybe I did the wrong thing by telling him that. He said last night "but that's so far away, how will we see her" and I said that we will see her because she will now be shiney and have a twinkle. And then he said "but we need her here in Royal Oak". Crack goes my heart as he said this. It is so hard. But this is my job, this is the least I can do while my husband and MIL FIL and we all go through this. This afternoon I am going to print off all the hundreds of photos that I took of Allison this year, before she got too sick, and when she had fun with my boys. I felt like a dick taking all those photos at the time, but I am so glad that I did now. I need to get then printed to give to MIL and FIL ASAP so that they remember Allison how she normally looks. And not like how she looks today - 30kg little and frail.

It has now been 8 weeks since she last ate a meal. 1.5 weeks since she last had a drink of liquid.